Thursday, 25 April 2013

I got to tell you something...


Dear Jennifer from Grits & Moxie has tagged me to share 5 things about myself. Reading her five, I found out that she is some kind of super-cool creature, able to defy matter and time. See for yourself!

Now I know these kinds of posts are usually quite light-hearted. I warn you, this one won't be. I've been thinking about what kind of things I wanted to share with you, and as I had already been contemplating on a few matters that I feel I should be more honest about, this came at the right time.  Each one of these would probably warrant a post on its own, so excuse me while I come clean...



I am going to be 36 years old on 3 May. I do not know why telling you how old I am seems to be such a big issue for me. I do feel like an imposter sometimes, 'hanging out' with blogger friends who are way younger than I am, so here we go: I'm almost old enough to be your Mama! Doesn't mean I'm any wiser or more clued in, though.


Marco and I are not planning a family. Seeing as you now know about my old age, you might be wondering: where are the babies? There aren't any, there aren't even any thoughts of making one. I am not saying that it will always stay like this, but right now we're happy with each other's company and as a family of two. This is a conscious decision, not influenced by circumstance or medical conditions.


I am a size 20. Even being tall, this makes me obese. And I am not happy with my size. Not at all. I wish I could say I was, but I loathe the surplus body I carry around with me. I am fat. And although I am trying to be honest here, I would not be comfortable telling you what I actually weigh. I am too embarrassed by that number. In my mind, I am slim. I chase after the bus, I go hiking, I jump up and down at concerts, I love to swim, run and to be active. But then I get self-conscious when I remember what I really look like. I am shocked every time I see photos of myself, or my reflection in a mirror. I really want to lose some a lot of weight. I did it before. I shed 30 kg, and I felt fit and healthy. There was less of me, but still I felt more like myself. Now I am so angry and annoyed that I let myself go again. I know, it should be easy. Exercise more and eat less. But add my head to the equation, and it gets just so utterly, utterly complicated and frustrating.


I am reclusive. I love the few friends I have to bits, but sometimes it is very hard for me to keep in touch. I am happy in my own company. It feels easier being by myself, as I am always trying super-hard to please everybody when I am around others. I love all you internet people for engaging with me here, but if you should ever suggest we meet up in real life, you will send me into a state of mild panic. I do try to be sociable, but I usually prefer being the quiet one sitting in the corner and observing.



I am really insecure. If you pay me a compliment, I will not believe you, or I will try and talk it down.  I do not know how to accept one graciously. I say thanks, but I will still doubt your judgement  For some reason, I seem to come across as this confident, strong, creative person. I have no idea why, because I mostly feel like I am a failure and a mess. I am not saying this to fish for compliments, because you already know that I can't handle those. Sometimes, though, when I do think that I have done something well, I have the really annoying habit of talking about my achievement forever, mostly to poor Marco, asking him to analyse every little thing with me, almost like I am trying to commit the success factors to memory, so that the triumph might be repeated. If I then try the same thing again and fail, I will be heartbroken and devastated.

 ***

And that is it. Phew. Sorry for abusing you for therapeutic purposes. I feel better now. You probably feel worse. Can I make you a tea? I just felt like I was kind of hiding these things and we'll be better friends if I can be honest about them.

I'd like to tag Susi, Jessie, Aimee, Vaida and Jo to share next. No pressure at all, and please feel free to be as light-hearted and whimsical (or as heavy and solemn) as you like with your 5 things.

Much love,

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© Text & Photos - Annika - All The Live Long Day (unless otherwise stated).

12 comments:

  1. First off, I'm 29. You could definitely not be my mother. Secondly, it's hard to put ourselves out there for others to judge! It's brave to tell others just exactly who you are and what you believe. I guess I mostly just want to say, that I think you're exactly right-- the more honest and authentic we are, the better friends we can be for sure. And you're gorgeous, and your blog is prettier than my blog... Hahah I will compliment you all day long and you'll just have to take it! Hmmm... you're style is enviable, and your kindness is something that you couldn't hide if you wanted to. I also tend to think you're a pretty loyal person. You kept following my old blog even when I was a no-show. Are you uncomfortable yet!?

    Thanks for tagging me, too. I might actually do this one! It seems easy and striaghtforward enough. The other award things are just too much for me to handle, lol! But I think I can do 5 things.

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  2. I think this post is really refreshing, I think it's important to share who you really are and how you feel. I know it's scary to put yourself out there, but I'm happy you did.

    Cheers.

    P.S. you couldnt be my mother either ;)

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  3. Um, are we twinsies separated at birth? Really, really. I empathize with every single one of your statements and I applaud you for bringing an honesty to the blog-o-sphere that is rarely seen. My hero of the day = you. And try not to downplay that compliment because I truly mean it, ok? :)

    Thanks Annika. You rule!

    Jennifer

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  4. ohhh..Annika! That is amazing what you just did!
    When I started reading, I was thinking.. oh my. How good that feels to take everything out.
    I do feel the same sometimes. Really! I don't know.. don't have many words. Just wanted to say that I respect you even more from now. You're so brave. So honest! That's the most important!
    And thanks for tagging me! I will really try to sit and write this post. There're so many things I would love to take out, but probably not all of them very sharable. I'm not as brave as you probably..
    Anyway! That will take some time, but I will write!
    Thank you again, for being so inspiring!
    XXX

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  5. So good to know more about you. It is very easy to give whatever impression one wants to give online, so this post was very special and brave in it's honesty.

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  6. Annika, my dear friend, you are a gift to us all exactly as you are.

    <3 <3 <3 Amy

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  7. Wow, that is a very honest post and it almost had me in tears. DO NOT feel alone! Age is just a number and you are as young as you feel. If we are going to be frank about these things I will confess that I'm turning 45 in a few weeks time. I spent the year I was 39 being miserable, depressed and a total pain as I could not equate myself as someone in their 40's. What an idiot! My best friend is 55 and if you ever met her you'd think she was 35. So don't worry about the number, it's the attitude that counts! Not planning a family (yet), well join the club, although I think I may well have left it too late! I don't feel grown up enough yet plus there are too many things I'd like to do without little people in tow. I do sometimes feel guilty that I don't have very strong maternal feelings and went through a period during my late 30's when I felt very pressured by society/family/media to say I wanted children. However, I feel this much less know, it's nobody's business but my own. Size - be comfortable with who you are and as long as you are fit and healthy it's just another number. I'm guessing that you, like me, have a North European heritage. We come from a large race and cannot escape the genetics! I'm big and blonde and hate the fact that clothes are such a pain to get in the UK. I actually felt small in NZ and when in Holland I don't stand out at all. Yes, I'd love to be a little thinner (who doesn't) but at the same time I've had the most compliments from men when at my heaviest, go figure! It is hard when we see all around us pictures of gorgeously thin women but my partner is a photographer who has worked with plenty of models and it's all fake! I'd much rather be the happy one eating another slice of cake. Being reclusive and insecure, I so very empathise with you on this. I'm happiest when on my own for the same reason. I can be myself and don't have to constantly strive to make others happy. I crave time alone sometimes and have holidayed on my own too (it's fab, do try). So do take this compliment, I may never have met you but you have a wonderfully creative and heartfelt blog which I enjoy very much and I feel rather honoured to have met you through IG and the web. So chin up, we love you! x

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  8. Haha, "Sorry for abusing you for therapeutic purposes." That's what friends are for!

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  9. Also, I love dividers and header you used here. Did you make these or get them somewhere? I'm trying to make all my photos and dividers myself, but drawing and photoshopping is taking me forever! I think I just need to take some lessons!

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  10. I am a bit reclusive myself. I don't mean to be that way, I just am. I have a handful of close friends and I am okay with that. They "get me" and that's all I really need. :) Also, I am 31 and the kid thing scares me. Cody and I are happy with our life just being "us". If it happens someday that's cool. I just don't like putting pressure on myself based on what everyone else is doing or my age. Heck, I can always adopt. :) Oh and you are beautiful.

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    Replies
    1. I'm posting my five things tomorrow. :)

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    2. Looking forward to it! :o)

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